There are a few I absolutely will not miss, year after year, the first being the seminal made-for-television "Smoky Mountain Christmas" starring the one and only Dolly Parton. It's so good. So good.
Let me share the joy with you: First of all, this classic originated in 1986. So it's the 1980s in all it's wonderful, teased up hair glory (not that Dolly is all that different today; side note, I adore her). It opens with a musical number, of course, a synthesized, peppy number that 1, does not match either the words or melody of the song, and 2, makes me realize that fashion in 1986 and 2012 are spot-on similar. (All I'm saying is there are a lot of high-waisted skinny jeans tucked into boots and big sunglasses.) Whatever, Dolly is doing a music video (remember those? No? Sad).
Dolly is playing country superstar "Lorna Davis" who desperately needs a break from L.A. and the papprazzi following her. So she asks an old friend for a cabin in the Smoky Mountains and heads out, but not before a paparazzo breaks in, snaps some pictures of her house and intended destination, and makes a mess of her gloriously pink Versailles-style boudoir.
Lorna's agent immediately believes she's kidnapped. As you do.
And of course, the paparazzo is also headed to the mountains to spy on her for his front page story.
Think you know the plot? Convinced it's about a superstar who yearns for the simple joys of home? Well you didn't count on the greatest plot decive known to man, the Plot Moppet. And this movie has not one, BUT SEVEN. Yes, that's right, on Lorna's first night in the cabin seven precocious runaway orphans wake her from a sound sleep assuming she's an angel!
I know it just keeps getting better.
But wait, I forgot something! Oh my god, there's a backwoods witch too. I swear to you, on Lorna's way up to the cabin she gets stopped by a local smarmy sheriff who just happens to have a nasty ex-girlfriend who is a witch, who immediately wants to put a curse on her. Wait, proof:
Yeah, that just happened.
Okay, back to the wonderfulness. Lorna, instead of, oh, I don't know, calling the Department of Family and Child Services, decides that she and orphans can bunk together through Christmas. The orphans have secrets, just like Lorna, so it's all okay. They live in terror of "Mountain Dan," who is, get this, LEE FREAKING MAJORS, who roams through the mountains on horseback looking like, well, Lee Majors.
Shiver a little, it's okay. Television in the 80s was a gift that just keeps on giving, you know?
Things are going well. Lorna and the Plot Moppets are bonding. They love her. She loves them. Their bowl haircut, overall-wearing ring-leader even agrees that she isn't so bad. But there's trouble! That witch is still in play, and she nearly lores Lorna to her death. Mountain Dan to the rescue! Mountain Dan has apparently been keeping an eye on the kids. He too, apparently, does not believe in calling the authority on children living alone in the wilderness. I guess the 80s really were a simpler time.
But, as is inevitable, their comfy coze in the cabin must come to an end. It begins when Lorna takes one of the little moppets to town to treat a fever. And since the witch is unhappy, and the smarmy sheriff is under her thumb, Lorna is followed back to the cabin by the local fuzz where the kids are taken into custody.
Except, Oh NO! Six of Seven end up in kiddie jail, watched over by two mean old ladies who do not believe in Christmas. All hope is not lost, though, as Lorna, Mountain Dan and the Paparazzo who has been wondering around the mountains for the last 80 minutes concoct a daring rescue plan involving them being dressed as Santa and his elf.
Although, as you might expect, things do not go totally smoothly and they all get hauled before Judge Jack Tripper to explain their actions (seriously, it's John Ritter). Judge Jack Tripper wants to get home for Christmas, and so, in no time at all, Lorna is granted custody of the orphans, and it all ends happily.
So let's recap: Beautiful woman, hated by a witch, runs away to remote cabin with seven dwarves...er, orphans, who immediately love her. And you thought "Once Upon a Time" was so freaking clever.
Anyhow, just when you think this movie could not possibly get better, you learn that it was directed by Henry Winkler, Fonzie himself. I think of that fact as the one that just cements the deal of this being one of the greatest bad Christmas movies of all time.
Smoky Mountain Christmas has repeated airings this time of year. I would hightly recommend you watch it if you ever hope to be my friend.
